I’ve never read a story about a Hispanic girl that I could relate too, and she just nails everything.  Judith talks about how people stereotype her because she’s Hispanic.  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had that happen to me.  There was an incident that I remember with a guy I had been talking to over the phone.  He told me “Why are you talking funny?” I said “What do you mean talking funny.  How am I talking funny?” he said “Yeah you’re using all these words, like your white.”  I was shocked, and hurt, and led him to think I thought it was funny, but it wasn’t. I didn’t know Latinas were supposed to talk a certain way.  I asked myself how is a Latina suppose to talk; are we suppose to talk as if were dumb, or not educated.  It was the last time I talked to that guy.

Judith Ortiz Cofer states “The big and little screens have presented us with the picture of the funny Hispanic maid, mispronouncing words and cooking up a spicy storm in a shiny California kitchen,” (117). I have learn that there are some people that are just ignorant, and don’t look beyond looks.  I am a Latina that was fortunate enough to come to school, and make something of myself.  I know that there are many Latin girls that are unable to do that.  I want to work hard at getting people to look beyond “my skin color, my accent, or my clothes,” (118).  My goal is the same as Judith Ortiz Cofer “My personal goal in my public life is to try to replace the old pervasive stereotypes and myths about Latinas with a much more interesting set of realities,” (118). 

2.     Momaday, Scott. “The way to Rainy Mountain.”50 Essays. Ed. Samuel Cohen. 2^nd ed.

Boston: Bedsford, 2007.  291-297 Print

In 50 Essays Scott Momaday takes you on an incredible journey through his ancestors.  It begins in Rainy Mountain, Oklahoma where he tells the story about the Kiowa people, and his grandmother.  I love the details that he includes in his essay it’s so beautiful how he describes his grandmother and how she would pray.  I could see everything through his eyes, I could feel his pain, and see the beauty that he see’s. 

Momaday made me understand things about his culture through his writing.  It’s interesting how each and every person have different experiences in our cultures.  I understand why the teacher wanted us to do a project on our culture, so we can try to get to know each other better, and to try to understand each other on a different level.  

3.     Bordo, Susan. “Never Just Pictures.”50 Essays. Ed. Samuel Cohen. 2^nd ed. Boston:

Bedsford, 2007. 85-92 Print

In 50 Essays “Never Just Pictures” Bordo states “Glamorous images of hyper thin models certainly don’t encourage a more relaxed or accepting attitude toward the body, particularly among those whose own bodies are far from that ideal,” (89), she also writes “Children in this culture grow up knowing that you can never be thin enough and that being fat is one of the worst things one can be,” (86).  Both quotes have all the information on why today’s society has changed they look at themselves in a mirror.  I know that when I look at myself I’m not happy with the way my body looks.  I feel that I need to look like the girls from the magazines, and the girls in the movies.  It’s a horrible thing to do, and I know that I’m doing wrong, but I can’t help but wish that my body was different every time.

4.     Murray, Donald M. Craft of Revision. Wadsworth 2004. Print

I’ve learned so much from Donald M. Murray.  He knows how to reach out to students in a way where we understand.  I personally enjoyed chapter nine “Rewrite by ear” Craft of Revision (194).  Murray’s message in chapter nine was that our voice is important to the reader we can make our writing come alive by the tone that we set.  “Their voices reflect the way they see the world, how they think, how they feel, how they make us pay attention to the world they see” (195).  This is something that we need to pay attention to as a writer or reader.  To put more emotions into what I read or write will make us understand writing in a different way.  He knows what to say to open my eyes to new ways of revising my paper.

5.     Murray, Donald M. Craft of Revision. Wadsworth 2004. Print

I love the way Donald M. Murray compares rewriting to photography in Chapter four of Craft of Revision.  “Focus is as important in writing as it is in photography.  We are seduced by focus, drawn toward what the artist, sees, think, feels,” (44).  I can understand what he is trying to say, and even imagine it in my head.  There are many different ways one must focus on writing Murray explains these to us.  One of the main focus points I found significant is when you’re getting sidetracked from the main subject.  I know I do this and I try to re-focus by looking at the bigger picture.  Murray also gives us tips on how to re-focus by making a list, brainstorming, or free writing.  I found this very useful for future writing.

6.     Carlsson, Chris Nowtopia. AK Press 2008. Print

I enjoyed all the information Carlsson gives us concerning “Vacant Lot Gardening”.  Carlsson tells us where it started, how it has evolved, and the different groups that are taking part in gardening projects around the world.  I didn’t know that people around the world were doing the same thing.  I just thought it was people from the United States that were concerned with the type of food were eating, but it’s everyone around the world.  I want to be a part of an organization that grows their own food because it will not only save me money but it won’t have all the chemicals grocery store foods have.

What I found very interesting about this topic is how the money hungry people evict the organizations from there vacant lots because they don’t care about the people in the community, and how it’s helping them.  They only care about money, and how much profit they will receive from the property.  I find this sad and disgusting to see the people that are running this country are so money hungry that they don’t feel the need to represent the people of their own community.  I do hope that the vacant lot movement can continue, and I hope that I can be a part of it.

7.     Alexie, Sherman. “The Joy of Reading and Writing: Superman and Me.”50 Essays. Ed.

Samuel Cohen. 2^nd ed. Boston: Bedsford, 2007. 11-15 Print

Alexie is a reminder of what some people have to go through to succeed in life, and what practice and determination will lead too.  I really look up to Alexie because it is hard to go up against your family and friends to be able to succeed.  Not only did he save his life but he saved the lives of future Indian kids by breaking the door.  The type of determination Alexie had has inspired me to have the same determination in future goals.

8.     X, Malcolm. “Learning to Read.”50 Essays. Ed. Samuel Cohen. 2^nd ed. Boston: Bedsford,

2007. 281-290 Print

I really enjoyed the “Learning to Read” essay it opened my eyes to what hard work can lead you to.  It was sad reading this essay it almost made me cry.  Malcolm learned how to read while in jail.  He learned vocabulary and how to spell by practicing everyday while in jail.  It shows you the kind of determination someone can have and someone should have.  It inspired me to learn new words and to expand my reading material.

9.      Carlsson, Chris Nowtopia. AK Press 2008. Print

In Chapter 9 of Nowtopia it was pretty interesting to read about Burning Man (BM).  This Chapter and Chapter 3 Carlsson talk about “Do It Yourself”.  How he sees it and how other people see it especially people that attend burning man.  It’s a place where one can feel free or money, free of class, and free to do it themselves.  I like that people do things for themselves not being dependent on others that sounds like a nice way to live, at least for me. 

10.  Jr. Buckley, William F. “Why Don’t we Complain?”50 Essays. Ed. Samuel Cohen. 2^nd

ed. Boston: Bedsford, 2007. 97-103 Print

 “Why don’t we complain?” That to me is an interesting question.  I think that we speak up a little more now than we did in the 1960’s.  We speak up for ourselves.  Well at least I know I do if someone else can make me feel more comfortable I will let them know.  I know my boundaries as to when and where.  If someone over the counter at a store is not doing their job in helping me, I will let them know in the nicest possible way.  I try to speak up because I was given a voice for that.  I feel that times have changed people feel more comfortable voicing their opinions.  Future generations should feel even more comfortable because we are opening a door to communication.

A love like Isabel

            Isabel came like a thief in the night stole my heart, and changed my life forever, inspiring me to do better everyday and to reach for the impossible, bringing color to my life when everything was black and white.  It’s crazy how someone so small can change your life in a split second.

            Life before Isabel was wild and crazy and not very good.  I would do things to put my life at risk because I didn’t care,  going out drinking and partying every chance I got, also put my life and others’ at risk by drinking and driving.  Being reckless and having a great time was all I cared about.  It came down to the point where my family had to step in and tell me that I needed to calm down because I was going to end up killing myself.  Not wanting to  pay attention to them I continued my lifestyle.

            Finally I started to calm down a little when I met a guy named Alfonso.  We were in the same Chicano Studies class together at Ventura College.  Immediately when I saw him I had a crush on him.  He was tall, slender, beautiful hazel eyes, and I will never forget his cologne it had the sexiest masculine scent to it.  We dated for several months.  The beginning is always beautiful and fun but then things started getting rocky in our relationship.  As I was older than him, our age difference started to become noticeable.  Having made the decision to terminate the relationship I found out I was pregnant.

            Pregnant, I couldn’t believe it.  The first feeling I had was fear because I come from a traditional Catholic family and to have a baby before marriage was like being condemned.  Disappointed in myself I couldn’t believe how irresponsible I had been.  Not feeling ready to take on a responsibility this big I contemplated not having the baby.  I was also scared to see what Alfonso was going to do and say with the news.

            Clearly remembering when I told Alfonso brings back terrible feelings.  He was sitting in his living room watching the Raider game.  I contemplated when the right time would be to tell him I waited until the game was over.  Waiting for two hours before telling him made it the longest two hours.  I kept looking at him and holding back the tears.  Finally, his game ended and we went to his room.   I sat down on his bed looked at him and said “I’m pregnant.  You’re going to be a dad”.  We both couldn’t help but cry because we knew our relationship was rocky.  His first words were “It’s going to be ok I will be there for you and the baby.  Everything will work itself out.”  It was comforting to hear him say those words.

            My next task was dealing with both families.  Feeling scared to see how my parents were going to react, I told my mom first thinking she was going to be supportive.  Was I wrong!? she was mad, and didn’t talk to me for a week.  My dad was very supportive; he knew Alfonso was a good guy so he didn’t worry too much.  Alfonso’s family was angry saying, “What kind of girl is she? Who did you involve yourself with?”  I was not the person they perceived me to be.  They seemed as if they didn’t want me to keep the baby, like I was ruining his life, and making me thing maybe he would be better off without me and the baby.  All this made me sad and depressed not wanting to do anything.  I dropped out of school and started doing poorly at work.

             Continuing to be sad for several months.  I finally felt the baby move.  It was the weirdest feeling, like she was tickling my stomach, letting me know that she’s in there.  After feeling her move something inside triggered me to snap out of the depression.  This moment has been the best for me.  It made me feel like I had a reason to keep going, a reason to live. 

            The big day was June 7^th.  I had to have her by c-section because the baby was having problems due to the umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck.  Alfonso and I were scared because we knew that our lives were about to change forever.  As I was getting prepared for the c-section everything around me seemed unreal.  Everyone seemed to be moving in slow motion.  Time was going slow.  It took 3 minutes to deliver but it felt like hours.  I had given birth to a beautiful baby girl named Isabel Mya Andrade.

            Hearing her cry for the first time made me feel happiness I have never felt before.  When I finally held her and kissed her I couldn’t help but cry.  It was the most beautiful moment in my life.  Isabel was the most beautiful person to me.  She had chunky cheeks, lots of brown hair, and skin of porcelain.  While I was holding her I began to think to myself, “She is going to love me unconditionally, she is going to look up to me, I’m going to be her all,  I’m her mother I have to set an example for her.”  Seeing things in an entirely different way made me have feelings I never thought possible.  I knew I needed to change my life because I wanted only the best for her.

            Life with Isabel is amazing.  She grows and learns something new every day.  She makes me smile when I’m mad and makes me happy when I’m sad.  I’ve found strength in me that I never knew I had.  When I feel weak I look at her and by her smile, touch, or scent I find my strength.  I feel warmth in my heart when she calls me mama.  It’s amazing being a mother.  There is nothing in this world that could compare to the joy she gives me every day.

            Isabel has made me a better person, she pushing me to go above and beyond.  She has helped me put my past behind me, trade in the beer for a bottle, and the clubs for books.  Like Picasso said “Inspiration is something that commands me to work every single day,” writes Donald M Murray in “Craft of Revision” (25).  Isabel is my inspiration to work even harder every single day and to be successful in life.  She is the reason why I’m back in school to be the best, to do the best, and to become the best.  I love her so much and thank her every day for choosing Alfonso and me to be her parents.

December 10, 2009

English Student

Letter of Advice

English Department

Ventura College

To Prospective English Student:

English classes can be a little scary, but fear not. I made a list on how to prepare for English classes, so you know what to expect. 

• Be prepared in more ways than one.  There is a lot of writing that is involved in getting a good grade.  We have to write three different essays three to six pages long, and had a two page paper every class meeting.  It sounds like a lot, but it will help you become a better writer. 
• Read all the material that is given to you.  Getting behind is the last thing you want to do especially in an English class. 
• Don’t talk in class it disrupts everyone in class, and it’s annoying to the people that are actually there to learn. 
• Come prepared with all the material that is due or is needed to better understand the lecture, and I would suggest reading ahead if possible it’s always a good thing. 
• Find time to study.  You’re looking at 5 to 6 hours a week even more depending on how much work you have.
• Find a good support group in class it’s always nice when you have others motivating you.

These are key things to know before signing up for English.  There are great instructors at Ventura College, but I would recommend Gwendolyn Alley.  She’s tough but a challenge is always good especially when there is room for improvement.  I wish you luck and hope you learn a lot, like I did.

Sincerely,

Kathy Marin

            Anorexia and Bulimia are the two prominent eating disorders in woman. “People with anorexia nervosa severely limit the food they eat. They may also exercise too much. Their body weight gets too low.” (Kasland)  People with anorexia want to be in control of their lives, and suffer from self images issues. “People with bulimia nervosa are often a healthy weight or even overweight. But they, too, rob themselves of nutrients by eating a lot, called bingeing, then purging the food, often by making themselves vomit,” (Kasland). Bulimia is usually caused by depression, stress, and or self esteem issues. Women feel that the only way to attain these unrealistic bodies that are shown in the media is by doing one of the two.  The Ottawa Citizen quoted Kate Moss saying “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” (London).  This does not help with the issue of eating disorders, it only hyphen’s women to become anorexic or bulimic. There are severe consequences to anorexia and bulimia. The major consequence is death; in the article “When eating is the Enemy” stated “Damage can be done to the bones, heart, digestive system, and teeth. In girls, eating disorders often delay or stop normal menstrual periods. And some people – more than 1 in 10 anorexics – die because of eating disorders,” (Kasland).  Again these are only a few of the consequences due to the prominent eating disorders.

            Our society has put such a strong emphasis on what is perceived to be beautiful but not realistic.  Young girls and women believe that beauty is thin, and to get everything they want one must look like the models.  But what most women out there don’t hear is what these models must go through to be beautiful.  A majority of fashion models are anorexic, and a huge consequence is death; which is something that happens often in the world of entertainment.  “Current Events” for example stated:

             “Ana Carolina Reston, 21, was a Brazilian fashion model who worked on runways around the world. She also appeared in print ads, showing off the creations of top fashion designers such as Giorgio Armani. She always looked poised and in control, but her life away from the runway was anything but controlled. Her desire to stay thin turned into an eating disorder. She existed on apples and tomatoes, and her weight plunged to a dangerous level. Finally, her body just gave up. Despite the efforts of doctors, she died. At the time of her death, the 5-foot 8-inch model weighed a scant 88 pounds. Her body mass index (BMI) was 13.4, so low that the World Health Organization classifies it as dangerously thin. BMI is a calculation that measures body fat based on height and weight.” (Anonymous)

This is just one example of what the industry looks like within the lines.  These are the women we look at for beauty standards, but what we don’t know is there living an internal battle to stay thin.  Portraying these images to young girls make them feel that in order to be beautiful they must look like the models. If they don’t, then they are not classified as “beautiful” and therefore leading them to an eating disorder due to low self esteem or depression, which then could lead to death.

Work Cited

London. Kate Moss slammed for ‘skinny feels good’ motto. (2009, November 20). The Ottawa Citizen,A.9.  Retrieved November 24, 2009, from ProQuest Newsstand. (Document ID: 1906156941).

Kasland, K.. (2009, March). When Eating Is the Enemy. Current Health 1, 32(7), 26-28.  Retrieved November 24, 2009, from Education Module. (Document ID: 1654951191).

The Skinny on Models. (2007, January). Current Events, 106(15), 7.  Retrieved November 24, 2009, from Children’s Module. (Document ID: 1193787311).

http://perfectgirlsyndrome.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/sickly.jpg

Work Cited

Li, C.. (2009, September 5). Not a Barbie girl. Northwest Asian Weekly,p. 9.  Retrieved November 17, 2009, from Ethnic NewsWatch (ENW). (Document ID: 1866602191).

Addiction

Written By: Kathy Marin & Arturo Garcia

As he takes a deep breath he falls to the ground

With his eyes completely shut he wanders around

Wondering why he hasn’t been found

Alone in the dark he feels overwhelmed

Trapped in his cage carving into the steel

With his head full of rage he can’t tell what to feel

Due to an addiction and a couple of deals

His life to this day seems so unreal

I paint this perfect picture he said to himself

Of me being stuck and screaming out loud

Hoping that some day it will help someone out

Because that path I’ve chosen had led me to hell

As he opens his eyes all he could see

Is the dark side and cruel lies of reality

Who would have thought he would end like this

A grown man alone in a sorrow abyss

Left for dead with no one by his side

Other than his conscience that has driven him blind

Because of a high he shouldn’t have tried

He is forever stuck in a world of despise

I paint this perfect picture he said to himself

Of me being stuck and screaming out loud

Hoping that some day it will help someone out

Because that path I’ve chosen had led me to hell

A love like Isabel

            Isabel came like a thief in the night: she stole my heart, and changed my life forever she inspires me to do better everyday and to reach for the impossible and she brings color to my life when everything is black and white.  It’s crazy how someone so small can change your life in a split second.

            Life after High School and before Isabel was wild and crazy and not very good.  I would put my life at risk because I didn’t care; I went out drinking and partying every chance I had.  I also put my life and others’ at risk by drinking and driving.  I was reckless and only cared about having a great time.  Finally, my family stepped in and told me that I needed to calm down because I was going to kill myself, but I ignored them.

            To shut my parents up I enrolled at Ventura College in the fall semester of 06’.  Not having a set major I took classes that I knew were easy.  My first class was Chemistry and it was a drag.  My instructor had the same tone of voice like the teacher in “Ferris Bullers Day Off”.  Can you imagine what that’s like, it’s pure torture.   I couldn’t wait till this day was over.  I had one more class before my day was finished, and I was free to do what I really wanted. 

My next class was Chicano Studies I had arrived five minutes early.  To try to seem like a good student I sat in the second row.  As I sat waiting I began to look out the door and there he was the guy of my dreams.  I got the crazy butterflies in my stomach, and a huge smile on face when he walked into my class.  My smile got even bigger when he sat in front of me.  I think I looked a little crazy.  I couldn’t even pay attention to the instructor with this beautiful man in front of me.  Oh and his cologne had the sexiest masculine scent to it.  It was the type of cologne that made me want to jump all over him, but we were in class, so I couldn’t attack him that way yet. 

It had been two months and still I hadn’t talked to him.  I thought I had hinted that I had a crush on him.  My signs were clear the flirting with my eyes and the body language I used were all indications that I was approachable.  I couldn’t believe he didn’t get it I had worked hard on making sure we made eye contact every once in a while.  I finally took charge I knew what I wanted, and now I was going to get it.  I was a lion on the prowl for food.  Class had just ended when I took a little longer to get my books in the bag, and waited for him to exit class first.  As he exited I was rehearsing in my head what I was going to say.   I was thinking “Hey sexy” but that was a little to forward, so I decided to go with the basics.  As I approached him my hands began to sweat, and my heart began to pound so fast, I thought it was visible through my chest.  I looked at him and said “How do you like this class?” he looked surprised a little scared.  I gave him great body language, and I tossed my hair in a flirtatious way to make him feel inviting.  He looked at me and said “It’s cool”.  He was trying to be smooth, good, I knew I scored.  After talking for a minute I walked away with his phone number in my hand and a huge smile on my face.  I wanted to do a little victory dance, but I knew he was still looking, so I decided to walk away in a sexy way.

 The guy of my dreams was named Alfonso he was tall and slender with beautiful hazel eyes, he was gorgeous everything I wanted in a guy. It took him a month before he got enough guts to ask me on a date, a month can you believe that, it felt like eternity.  My friends thought he was gay for a second because it took him so long to ask me on a date.  But were my friends wrong.  After our first date we couldn’t get enough of eachother, we were hooked, and most of our time was spent together.  At Midnight on New Year’s Eve he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I was in cloud nine we were always together laughing and having fun.  Our relationship was great it was crazy and exciting just the way I like it.

Nine months went by when things began to go from colored to gray than black.  Our relationship started getting rocky.  As I was older than him, our age difference started to become noticeable.  He was always goofing off and playing video games.  When all I wanted to do was go out and enjoy eachother.  Our attitude toward one another began to get cold we would argue about food, movies, everything.  Some of our fights were ugly we stopped seeing eye to eye.  My heart began to break inside.  I felt stressed, and unhappy everyday.  I wanted to stay with him because I loved him but I couldn’t go on being unhappy.  I came to the decision to terminate the relationship.

The day I was going to end our relationship.  I felt queasy I thought it was just nerves, but all of a sudden I got heartburn, something I never get.  I was nervous something was telling me that there was something wrong.  I told my older sister Alejandra my symptoms, I thought I was getting sick, but she looked at me with the weirdest look on her face.  A look I dreaded.  She asked “Do you think you’re pregnant?” my heart sank to the floor.  I began to shake and told her “Yes, there was one time, but it’s impossible there is no way.  It was one time.  No.”  She had a pregnancy test, for her and her husband were trying to get pregnant.  As I ripped the wrapper off, and started taking the test.  I prayed harder than I ever had before, I told god “God, please don’t let me be pregnant, if you help me not to be, I promise I will go to church every Sunday.”  In times of desperation we always ask for a miracle.  I couldn’t look at the test so I placed it on the countertop, and asked my sister to look at it.  As I sat in the bathroom waiting for the results my life went in fast forward.  I could see my family disappointed, my friends mad, and me not being able to party; no more late night drinking, no more adventures, and no more sleeping.  When I snapped out of it I looked at my sister, and she looked at me with the saddest look on her face, but trying to smile at the same time and said “Oh shit Kat your pregnant.”  My body went numb I couldn’t breathe I didn’t believe her; I had to see it for myself.  My legs felt heavy as I walked over to the counter.  I saw the test and there were two pink lines.  My life changed in that split second.

            Pregnant, I couldn’t believe it.  Not me, Why me.  Fear ran through my body like lighting.  I was in shock, I couldn’t move, or breathe.  This isn’t the feeling someone is supposed to feel when they find out there pregnant.  Normally women are excited, and happy.  Like when my sister found out she was pregnant my entire family was screaming with excitement, and cheering with a glass of champagne, but then again she is married.  I knew that was not going to be the scene for me.  I could just see my mom crying, and my dad’s face full of disappointment.  Why did I have to be the one to bring them shame?  I knew I was going to get criticized by everyone that had an opinion, but I have to focus.  I have to tell Alfonso, and then I will face everyone else.

            Finally deciding to tell Alfonso, I was one month along.  As I was driving to his house I was rehearsing how I was going to tell him.  I was surprise I made it to his apartment safely because I was so nervous.  As I walked to his door I started hyperventilating I told myself “Breath you can do this.”  I knocked on his door he opened, and all I wanted to do was run into his arms so he could hold me tight and tell me everything was going to be ok.  But when I walked in Alfonso and his cousin were watching the Raider game, and as hard as it was I had to wait till the game was over.  As I waited for the game to end all I could do was look at him.  I couldn’t help but think I was about to ruin his life.  My heart sank to my feet and my palms began to sweat.  When he looked over at me and said “Let’s go to my room.  The game is over.” I got up and walked to his room.  I knew there was no turning back I had to tell him now.

            We both walked into the room and I sat down on the edge of his bed.  My heart pounding so hard it hurt.  He closed the door and when he turned to me I asked him to sit next to me.  “No turning back, just tell him, don’t be scared” is what I was thinking.  Looking into his eyes I said “I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a dad.”  He stayed quiet for what seemed like hours.  He looked over at me and said “It’s going to be ok.  I will be there for you and the baby.  Everything will work itself out.”  Tear drops began to fall from my eyes.  I cried so hard I couldn’t control my tears.  I curled up on the side of his bed and cried like a baby.  When I looked over at Alfonso he was crying on his bed looking at me.  He grabbed me and hugged me so tight it was comforting, and we cried together.  We both knew at this moment that things would never be the same.

            I wish I didn’t have to face our families, but I knew our next task would be to tell them the news.  I was terrified to tell my parents.  I come from a family where having a child before marriage brings shame to the family.  I didn’t know who to tell first I knew I wanted my family to know first, so I started with my mom.  It was a Saturday morning when I finally got the guts to tell her.  I asked her out to breakfast.  I knew this was going to be hard.  I don’t like to see my mom’s heart break or have to see the disappointment in her eyes.  We made it to Mimi’s Café; I waited until our food came.  When I told her she stopped eating, and had that look on her face that I dreaded.  She looked at me and said “I’m disappointed in you.  I expected you to do great things, and I thought you were smarter than that.”  Her words felt like a knife stabbed in my heart.  I was hormonal and very emotional.  I didn’t want to continue telling anyone.  I wanted to give up.  When I got home from breakfast I knew the time would come when I needed to tell my dad, but my heart was exhausted, so I decided to wait a little bit. 

A week went by before I told my dad.  When I asked to talk to him we sat down at the kitchen table and I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said “Dad, Im sorry but Im pregnant.”  He stood up and said “Well get up, let me congratulate you. Being a mom is a beautiful experience, and I know you will be a great mom.”  I started crying on his shoulder like I had when I was a little girl.  All my fears were gone for that minute.  It was finally nice to feel comfort from my dad.  He looked at me and told me “Smile, and hold your head up high.  You haven’t done anything wrong.”  It was the first time in a long time that I felt warmth in my heart.

After my dad’s reaction I knew that I could face anything.  I knew that I could tell Alfonso’s family now.  The first person we decided to tell was Alfonso’s older sister Claudia.  We were in the car as he dialed her number.  I asked him to put it on speaker because I wanted to hear her reaction.  I let him tell her he said “I’m going to be a dad” and she told him “Your lying. Stop joking” and he said “I’m not joking I’m serious,” and her reply was “You’re stupid” and hung up.  All I could do was breath.  I was shocked, and frighten as to how the rest of his family would react.  I let him deal with his mom and dad.  I didn’t tell them and have to deal with there reaction.  My spirit was broken and hurt I couldn’t stand anymore.  Alfonso told me how his family reacted, and they weren’t happy.  Under the circumstances I understood, but their reaction towards me was very hurtful.  It seemed that they didn’t want me to keep the baby, like I was ruining his life, and making me think that he would be better off without me and the baby. 

All this made me sad and depressed not wanting to do anything.  I dropped out of school and started doing poorly at work.  I had no strength to do anything.  Too much happened within weeks that I felt I couldn’t go on.  I continued to be sad for about three months maybe a little bit longer.

The day I snapped out of my depression was when I felt the tickle.  I was making pancakes because I was craving them late at night.  Before I was about to enjoy this stack of delicious pancakes full of syrup and butter.  I felt a tickle in my stomach, like something kicked me lightly.  I stopped and concentrated on what I was feeling, when there it was again.  I knew it was my baby.  It was the weirdest feeling in the world, like she was tickling my stomach letting me know that she is in there.  Feeling her move brought a joy to my heart that is unexplainable.  It made me smile, and happy for the first time that I was going to be a mom.  From that moment on I wanted everything to be right for her.

I put all my effort into making my relationship right with my boyfriend, his family, and mine as well.  I wanted my baby to be surrounded my love not hatred. My mom and I talked one morning about my pregnancy.  It made me feel happy that she wasn’t upset anymore.  She even went out and bought the baby her crib.  My boyfriends family started getting excited especially his mom and sister Claudia.  They threw me a very nice baby shower.  It was a breath of fresh air when things were finally starting to go good.  I was happy and began enjoying my pregnancy.  The months went by so quickly.  My due date came around in a blink of an eye.

The big day was Saturday June 7^th, 2009 when Isabel Mya Andrade arrived with fireworks.  Alfonso and I arrived at the hospital the night before, so the doctor could induce my labor.  Meaning he wanted to start the process medically not naturally.  He felt as if I was in danger because of all water I was retaining.  We started the process Friday night.  I was so nervous I couldn’t stop smiling.  After all the nurses left and it was just me and Alfonso in the room.  We stared at eachother and I said “Are you ready for this?”  He said “No but we will do great.”  I smiled and drifted to sleep.  That night was uncomfortable I couldn’t fully fall asleep.  I was feeling minor labor pains but I was mostly waking up from nerves.  I dreamt about having the baby in my sleep and not able to wake up to feed her.  It was scary so I made sure to check that she was still in me, and that I hadn’t missed the show.  The night went by slow.  When the sun started peaked through the blinds it was Saturday.  The doctor came in to check on my progress.  I was at three centimeters dilated when he checked.  The doctor looked at me and Alfonso and said “I’m going to give you guys another option.  We can send you home and wait till she wants to come out naturally, or we can give you a cesarean section.  The baby seems fine.  I’m more worried about you Kathy.  So make the decision and we could have her out in the next hour.”  I looked at the doctor and said “Let’s do the cesarean section that’s fine.” 

The next hour went by too fast.  I started calling my sisters to rush to the hospital, and Alfonso did the same thing with his family.  We looked at each other with fear in our eyes.  We knew that our lives were about to change forever.  There were nurses prepping me for surgery.  I got to wear a funny blue hat for my hair.  They drew blood and checked my vital signs.  When my family arrived I was happy.  I could barely say anything to them when the nurse came in and said “Are you ready? Were taking you in now.” My family just looked at me and said “Be strong”.  I laid back on the hospital bed and let them take me into the surgery room.  Alfonso would be able to come in once the procedure started, but right now it was me by myself. 

When I entered the surgery room there was about seven to eight doctors in the room with me.  I was embarrassed I knew they would all see my private part, but I had bigger things to worry about, so I blocked it out.  A nurse asked me to sit up so they could put the anesthesia in my back.  I looked at her like and thought “What are you about to do.  What are you sticking in my back.”  The next thing I know I feel a shock on my back.  It was very painful but a second later I went numb and everything went really fast after that.  I was strapped down to the hospital bed.  They said it was a precaution so that I would not assist in the surgery.  I was terrified my heart was beating super fast.  Alfonso was finally let into the room.  He came over to me and held my hand, and smiled.  He talked to me, so that I would be distracted.  I can’t say it worked I was too excited to meet my baby girl.  I felt some tugging than all of a sudden I heard her.  My Isabel was crying.  Tears feel from my eyes.  I was happy that she arrived safely.  I also got this warm feeling in my heart like a potion of motherhood was inserted into my veins.  I was anxious to see her.  I was trying to look around the nurses to get a peak of her head.  I could still hear her crying when finally they brought her over to me.  When I spoke to her she all of a sudden recognized my voice and stopped crying and just looked at me.  She knew I was her mom, and my heart melted at that moment.  I was a mom now.  This little baby changed my life in this split second.  I began to think “She is going to love me unconditionally; she is going to look up to me.  I’m going to be her all, and I have to set an example.” 

Finally being able to hold her after all that madness was beautiful.  Isabel was gorgeous she was the most beautiful person to me.  She had chunky cheeks, lots of brown hair, and skin of porcelain.  Everyone thought she looked like me.  I couldn’t get over how much I loved her.  I didn’t think it was possible to love someone above yourself, and I did.  I wanted to protect her and I wanted to provide the best for her.  Alfonso felt the same way I did.  We were both back in cloud nine for the first time since we first met.  It was a beautiful moment as a family.  We were united and he loved holding her and changing her diapers.  It was nice to see my daughter and her dad interact with one another.  I knew that my life needed to change.  My family needed to come first and I needed to help provide for my family.

Life with Isabel is beautiful.  I wake up every morning with her giving me a kiss or her stepping on my face, but it’s nice.  She has grown up so fast.  They really do grow up in a blink of an eye.  Isabel is my excitement she runs away from me when I tell her to come here.  She loves to dance to “Yo Gabba, Gabba” she does the wiggle, wiggle, freeze dance.  My love for her has grown so much more.  We cuddle all the time, and I love watching her sleep.  She makes me smile when Im mad, and makes me happy when I’m sad.  She has changed my perspective on life.  She is my reason for living.  I have been hooked on her from the first time she laid eyes on me.  It’s amazing being a mother.  There is nothing in this world that could ever compare to the joy she gives me everyday. 

Isabel has made me a better person.  I now don’t put my life or other’s in danger, just for a little bit of fun.  She pushes me to go above and beyond.  She has helped me put my past behind me.  Trade the beer for a bottle, and the clubs for books.  My friends call me to go out to the clubs, but I prefer to be at home and watching movies with my family.  I don’t like to lose a second with her to go out drinking or what not.  I’d rather spend all my time with Isabel. She has helped me make the decision to come back to school and get my degree in Dietetics.  Isabel has changed my life for the best and I love her for that.

It’s hard juggling a baby, relationship, and school but it is all worth it.  Donald M. Murray quotes Picasso as saying “Inspiration is something that commands me to work every single day,” Craft of Revision (25).  Isabel is my inspiration to work hard every single day.  She has stole my heart and help me make better decisions in my life.   I wait till she is asleep to do homework, and some nights I don’t go to sleep till three in the morning to wake up by 6:45 a.m., but it is all worth the sacrifice for my baby.  I want to be her role model, and succeeding in life.  It is a wonderful start.  For those people that told me that it would all end when I had a baby.  It all doesn’t have to end when you become a mom.  Anyone can keep going and build a stronger foundation for her or him and their family.  I know I have started the building process, and I will succeed for my little Isabel.

Work Cited

Murray, Donald M. Craft of Revision, Wadsworth. 2004. Print

Written By: Kathy Marin & Arturo Garcia

As he takes a deep breath he falls to the ground

With his eyes completely shut he wanders around

Wondering why he hasn’t been found

Alone in the dark he feels overwhelmed

Trapped in his cage carving into the steel

With his head full of rage he can’t tell what to feel

Due to an addiction and a couple of deals

His life to this day seems so unreal

I paint this perfect picture he said to himself

Of me being stuck and screaming out loud

Hoping that some day it will help someone out

Because that path I’ve chosen had led me to hell

As he opens his eyes all he could see

Is the dark side and cruel lies of reality

Who would have thought he would end like this

A grown man alone in a sorrow abyss

Left for dead with no one by his side

Other than his conscience that has driven him blind

Because of a high he shouldn’t have tried

He is forever stuck in a world of despise

I paint this perfect picture he said to himself

Of me being stuck and screaming out loud

Hoping that some day it will help someone out

Because that path I’ve chosen had led me to hell